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Adorned because of love…

BBC 1996

It was a black jumpsuit and I stood there staring at it as my thoughts ran away. The world around me had disappeared as I went back in time. A tear came to my eye as I thought of how that outfit was made for the person I was the year prior. In that moment I felt the dress represented everything I was not. It was elegant, special and made for a purpose. As the tear rolled down and hit my cheek I didn’t know who I was anymore. I didn’t know what purpose I was to serve that day or in the days to come. I had lost my smile and self confidence. The chaos in my head was silenced as I finally heard my mothers voice behind me. As I turned around she saw the look on my face and asked me what it was for. I quietly replied “The dress”. She knew everything that short statement meant. She knew because she had been there through everything that all my choices had brought me to.

I was out on my own. The biggest chapter of my life had begun and I was so excited about the new adventure. I left home to attend college. I knew exactly how I wanted my story to be written. With each passing day the pages of my life filled up with words that conveyed my dreams. Sketched out it was ideal, each plan was being marked off one by one. It looked exactly like the picture I had drawn when I was younger. I had good friends and I was working toward my counseling degree. I knew who I was and what I wanted and it was all attainable. Within a few short months I met someone. He was tall, dark and handsome and he sought me out. I quickly fell in love. He was everything I thought I ever wanted. The story led to our engagement but the days following the ring were much different than the ones before. The days went on but I drew further from who I was. I was being told to be a certain way and the people I associated with were no longer from the original circle of friends I was in. I felt so distant from my life while living it. I knew there was another world within mine that I knew nothing about. I looked the other way many times and hid any questions that arose within me. I kept telling myself that there couldn’t be anything wrong, I was following the path set before me. I was fulfilling the purpose I thought GOD had for me. I kept moving toward the day I would be his wife yet everyday I felt my heart trying to say something. It wasn’t long until I lost complete control. Sleeping through college did not pay off. I was put on academic probation and my parents started to see the change in me. They told me it was time to come home. I went but did not announce to anyone why I was leaving due to embarrassment. I was home several weeks when my parents received a phone call. The call came from a family friend associated with the school and they reported that my fiancé had been kicked out for the life choices he had chosen to make. There were others that were asked to leave as well. They were all from the group that I ran with. It was the world that I knew nothing about that had come to life. All the questions that I hid were answered. All the fears I had were justified. I was living a life that did not match his but no one knew that. I had left school around the same time and there were definitely rumors that I had been asked to leave for not following the rules set by the school. I had to answer hard questions asked by my parents and authorities in my life that I never thought could have been asked of me. I broke the engagement. My heart was shattered and the trust I once had in myself was gone. I had let those I loved down.

Many moments of anger, sadness and disbelief happened but never were any of those three emotions expressed from my mom to me. She displayed complete trust in me. She did not spend days questioning me.. she spent months loving me. She held me until I was ready to stand on my own. She fought for me when others hurt her with words and letters. She stood by me and she did not let me give up on my dreams. She knew I would smile again.

She bought the jumpsuit that day and she was there the day I was ready to wear it because that is the mom she has always been. I know she has days when she feels like she does not have purpose but that could not be further from the truth. Just as she was there for me many years ago she is still there for me. No matter how sick she may be she is praying for her kids and she never quits loving. She is still my biggest encourager. — I love you Momma, Happy Birthday

Written in 2016 for my mother to honor her birthday. This year on the 11th we will not celebrate with her but we will celebrate her memory for she is why we all are who we are today. Cliche maybe but in my mom’s case every word is true – we owe her for loving us the way she did. For encouraging us to be everything God made us even when the world around us could not see it. Miss her everyday!

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Keys….

Keys I have lost….

To my grandparents:

Through out all the years you have known me keys have been a huge topic of discussion. How I locked them in my car, how I forgot them in the house or how I simply lost them. With all these stories the one of the key that I have held closest to me and never lost has never been told.

The key that opens my heart into yours. From the day I was born you opened your heart to mine. You never closed the door and most definitely never locked it. You gave me the key to your love and I have stored it in the safest of places for 42 years. My heart holds the key. This key is greater than all the ones I have ever had possession of. It gave me you. It opened the door to many years of love and laughter. It gave me a safe room to hide in and it gave me shelter from all the unknown. With your love I have been able to face life at it’s most and know that someone was always behind me. This key opened every corner of your heart and released love to every corner of mine.

One day in Glory I know I will be greeted by my loved ones that have gone before and I will hear a resounding “Come in for no key is needed” and with a smile and love we will embrace again.

Thank you for giving me the key to your heart and for teaching me of Christ Love so that one day I can enter the Kingdom of Heaven without having to stop and look for a key to the Pearly Gates. We all know if I had to I might not get to enter (HAHAHA).

I love you with all my heart – Your granddaughter

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All in His Plan..

Fulfilling a Master Plan

I was going through some old papers and came across this letter I wrote for my grandparents 60th Wedding Anniversary. The picture featured is from their 70th Wedding Anniversary and they are still loving each other day in and day out. So thankful for them!!

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Today we take a moment to recall one of the most memorable days in two peoples lives. May 1, 1947 would mark the first day in this couples journey together. A journey that they have taken faithfully as one for 60 years. We honor their commitment to each other, we celebrate their love and we stand amazed at their quest to fulfill God’s Greater Plan. In that minute when they said I do they had no idea that God already had a Master Plan for their lives. Young and full of love for each other they said for better or for worse. Today we know they meant for better. Several years into their young family they committed to a life of service and surrendered to the Lord. Never faltering they have given their lives completely. They have set a standard for five generations to follow. Now as I look at my two young children I know they have helped prepare me for the journey ahead.

Lloyd and Velma Stearns you have been called; parents, grandparents, great grandparents and loving friends. You have taught many people how to love, how to trust and simply how to be there when needed. Today we give back to you. We say thank you for giving us an example to follow. Thank you for being steady even when the journey wasn’t easy. Thank you for completing HIS Plan!

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As time passes these words still hold true. I can not begin to express the love I have for these two and what an example they have been for my life. I never count short the love I have been accustomed to and realize it all began with these two!

Grandma and Grandpa thank you for loving my Mom the way you did and for raising her in the love and admiration of the Lord! Oh what a different life I could have lived if it weren’t for your decision that day the preacher knocked on your door. Thank you for opening your heart that day.

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A Vacant Memory

Love Overcame!

When did love become a vacant memory..

When was the void filled with frustrations and resent..

Hours of words unspoken where laughter and curiosity used to meet..

Days turned to weeks of emotions that were suppressed instead of explained..

Tears that were hidden and ignored cried out for love once known..

Time moved forward as the couple grew apart..

When did one become two again..

When did love become a vacant memory..

The memory had not been preserved as promised..

As an old book thrown in the attic it was dusty and weathered..

The edges were tattered and needed rebound..

The lines of the story were faded and needed to be examined closely..

The words needed to be read aloud but the silence had to be broken..

The memory was still there it just needed to be realized.

When love overcame, memories were restored.

Curiosity that once was became compromises..

Promises became priorities to accomplish..

Unspoken words became encouragement for one another..

Days and weeks became cherished moments again..

Prayer became the key to how two were made one.

God’s Grace overcame a Vacant Memory.

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Was There Magic in Midnight?

Accept the past without regrets. Handle your present with confidence and your future without fear.

Unknown

2019! You came in so silently. In just one second you left 2018 behind….done and forgotten many would proclaim. People all over the world celebrated the marking of a new start and felt empowered for what you will bring. They audibly spoke resolutions and many let go of regrets from the past. The clock struck midnight and the ball dropped. Old and young alike rang you in as toast were given and lovers kissed.

Was there magic in midnight though that I missed? I welcome you all the same but I don’t know that I toast your name. When the second hand touched 12 the world around me went unchanged. The things that I lost in 2018 I can not reclaim. My car in the drive did not metamorphosize into a Cadillac, believe me I checked. My bank account did not increase, my health issues remain and my mom is still gone. 2019 please forgive me but in your date alone I do not trust. It’s not you that will see me through the changes that need to take place. It’s not your fresh stamp on how I date my papers that will bring me peace. Do you ever wonder why such a celebration is given in your honor? Even more why people days later don’t recall what they toasted at all? A resolution is only worth as much as the resolutioner’s promise to them-self.

I will remember 2018 for all the hardship that it had to bring but I will also recall some of the most loving moments of all. Do you know the power behind the words “I love you” coming from one that has chosen them as their last? Do you know what it is like to be able to chase the fear of your mother when she tells you she is scared as she struggles to catch her breath? Do you know how reassuring it is to have them calm you when they have peace of meeting their Heavenly Father? 2019 you can not give me those moments. You can however give me 365 days to share her story and remember every single moment of love she gave me since birth.

I need you to know that I have set a few goals but not because of you but because it is time and God is working on my heart. I need you to know that when I fail its not over because I am not bound by your time. It is every second of every day that HE gives me a renewed sense of HOPE. It will be through 2019 and into 2020 that I can say I have much more to celebrate than the coming of your arrival yesterday. I have a much bigger arrival awaiting me. The arrival of my Heavenly Father that will reunite me with my mom one day. Whether it comes in a year or a decade from now my resolution is to live for HIM until that encounter. I will praise HIM for the things I have left on this earth until I have nothing left at all and then I will still praise HIM.

2019 meet my family and know that I am prepared to fill the days you offer me with love for them! That is my resolution…..AGAPE love as my mom would say.

2019 – The magic in midnight was starting another year with them.

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More than a drink…

Real beauty isn’t about symmetry or weight or makeup: it’s about looking life right in the face and seeing all its magnificence reflected in your own.

Valerie Monroe
More than a drink….you were a friend and an enemy.

As the last day of 2018 approaches I find myself reflecting on the events that occurred and how each one impacted me. There were days of great joy and many more of great sorrow. In 2107, after a 10 year career where I knew exactly who I was and what I was doing I said goodbye. I began a new position where I had to start completely over. Now in 2018 I am still finding myself in that title but I am so thankful I made the change. Looking back at the timing I realize that God had a hand in it all. Just when I thought He had forgotten me He showed more faithful than I could ever imagine. In the new job I questioned daily if He really knew me. It was not at all the job that I wanted. I grew weary and very discouraged. That along with my mom’s illness took a toll on me. I made the worst choices in care for myself….or you could say I did not take care of myself at all. I started to just live a routine, one where I was withdrawn and desperate to pull out of. Then it happened. I was given the opportunity to work from home. I know now this is why God put me in my current position. It wasn’t about me making a name for myself but in turn being given more time with my Mom the last year of her life. My mom was placed on hospice and as the final months of her life came to pass the company allowed me to work around the hours that I was sitting with her. I was able to be there with her almost every day and I will never regret that. My perspective changed career wise but as far as taking care of myself I never recovered.

I had surgery this year, my second one for a rare bladder disease that I live with (IC Disease). It requires medication and a very strict diet. With all that life was throwing at me I put this on the back burner and just dealt with the symptoms. If you know me at all you know that I have one drink of choice… DR. PEPPER. I have always said it was my best friend. I justified it by acknowledging the one in the morning the way most of you acknowledge your coffee. I needed it to get my day started. Then when lunch came around and my choices for foods that didn’t upset my stomach was not what I wanted I drank my calories. Then after sitting with Mom or dealing with the normal stresses of having a husband, two teens and a full time job I found myself turning to another at night to sit down and watch a movie with. I KNOW, I KNOW….its not alcohol (which I never touch) but I was addicted. I started to realize I didn’t even like the taste any more but it was so much more than a drink…..it was a habit and a comfort.

Loss, Grief, Stress, Gluteney, Fear and losing myself in all of it has led to the worst personal image I have ever had. I am at my heaviest. I smile when you talk to me. I am positive when it comes to my choice of words around others but down deep I struggle to believe in myself. I will actually stand behind a counter if there is one to talk to you. I will carry my purse in front of me in hopes that it is hiding my belly rolls. I dare not eat at a stop light for I can hear in my head the people poking jokes at the fat girl. I don’t give 100 % because I fear I am only worth 50%.

I read the quote featured though and it has really made me ponder the views I have of myself. I have always been taught to love who I am. I have always been told I was beautiful no matter what my body image was. I was taught to show the world myself starting from the inside out. HOW CAN I DO THIS if I don’t view myself as those things! I know it is much more than looks that matter. Physical beauty is not where my worth is BUT if it is hindering me from reaching others because I hide who I am then I need to look at it under a microscope. I must realize it is more than changing my body image, it is about changing how I love myself.

I say No to the hold you have on me in 2019!

I remember my mother before she was diagnosed with Pulmonary Fibrosis and Rheumatoid Arthritis, she was stocky. She carried most of her weight in her waist and legs. I always thought she was beautiful. Her smile lit up a room. After a decade of the disease her body image changed. Each year toward the end she lost more and more weight. Her face was sunken and her bones were frail. Her skin was opaque and scattered with spots of bruising. Her hair thinned and her feet and hands were crippled from the arthritis. It wasn’t often she would allow us to see her without being covered with many blankets as she laid in the bed but as the days came to an end we had to help her more. It wasn’t until then that I realized how truly tiny she was and how caved in her back had become from the scoliosis. The world would not have viewed her as beautiful in this state but as always I can honestly tell you I did. I think I found her to be more beautiful as I saw her handle pain and disease with grace.

The day we said goodbye and they took her body and came back and got the hospital bed nothing was left in the corner of her room. Yet, the visions in my mind that replaced the emptiness of where she once laid was not of an ugly woman. They were of a captivating, graceful and delicate lady that shined when you knew her. Her love and her spirit for life and testimony of her Heavenly Father spoke volumes into the chapters of her beauty.

I don’t want to take care of myself this year and say goodbye to the Dr Pepper just for a better body but I want to achieve this goal so that some day those same words can be spoken of me. I want to get rid of the self doubt and strife and focus more on being to others what I am called to be. I want to give 100% because my Lord and Savior did not create me halfheartedly. He created me for a purpose and if HE can love me and all my failures than I need to learn to love myself as He intended.

One day LORD allow me to be as bold and beautiful as my mom!