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Permission to Grieve…

Psalm 61: 1-2

Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.
From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

My dad asked me if I would attend Grief Share with him, it started tonight. Today marked the 9th month anniversary of my mom’s passing. It is surreal. There are days when I can’t even fathom the reality of it. Even more days when I chose not to. My mother suffered for a decade with Pulmonary Fibrosis and Rheumatoid Arthritis. Each time we thought her fight was over she proved us and the doctors wrong, 6 years turned into 8, then 9 and 10. We were given more years than expected but over those years we mourned a little each time the disease took over another aspect of her life. We accepted the existence of the disease and what it meant for her physically but even with all that it took from her she never allowed her heart to be changed. She could not go shopping with us or out to eat at a new restaurant but she could hold our hand and tell us that we were loved until her last breath AND she did. I sat by mom mom’s bed over the last year and I told her the things I wanted her to hear. I verbally said goodbye and told her I would be ok. I told her, as we all did, that we would take care of our dad. I was preparing for the inevitable. I knew that it would happen even though my heart was in disbelief when the time came. I heard her draw her last breath, I saw them take her body from the room and I stood in the living room watching out the front window as they drove away. I physically saw her leave that house BUT in my mind she has still been there.

My son cried with overwhelming tears one night weeks after the funeral. As I embraced him he apologized for crying. I held him out from me and looked at his tear stained face and told him there was no reason to be sorry. I told him that it was a blessing that he was crying so intensely because those tears stood for the love that he knew. I explained what an honor it was to be loved so much by someone that you mourn so deeply.

I told my son that but I never wept. I shed a few tears when they took her from the house for I knew I would never be hugged by her again or hear her call my name when she thought I was being too loud. I would never hear her say I love you again….in that moment I shed a few tears.

Time was passing and my emotions remained the same. If I thought deep enough about the moment standing in the living room I could be brought to tears. So I didn’t. I didn’t want to feel that pain, the pain that I knew would hurt so bad if I let it in. I suppressed the pain. Instead of putting myself in the living room I stopped my thoughts short of the vision of her resting in her bed. I put her in the place I had seen her for the last year of her life. I would only go to that room in my mind, I would only let myself see her for what was, not what it is.

My grandpa, my mom’s dad, was diagnosed with Stage 3 lung/liver cancer just a couple weeks ago. When I heard the news I had no where to go…that is when it hit me and the damage I have been doing to myself. She was not in the corner of her bedroom, she was not a minute away, she was not going to be able to console me with this news. I broke. I was back in the living room again watching her be taken away for the last time. I didn’t try to stop it … I couldn’t if I tried. This was reality and GRIEF was a part of it whether I acknowledged it or not.

Permission to grieve was granted…Matthew 5:4 -Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted. If we don’t mourn than how shall we find comfort. If we don’t cry out to our Heavenly Father in brokenness than how can HE make us whole. HE designed me perfectly and with that design HE created tears, He created a heart to feel and HE created the ability to ask for strength in my weakness. HE created me to come to HIM!

Lord, help me in my loss, guide me with my questions, take away my anger and heal my broken heart. I will shed tears for her and more for grandpa but Lord use me as an example to others – let them see my vulnerability as a strength and most importantly let them see you through me.

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Over Coffee…

The lights danced in the cool breeze…

The lights danced outside in the cool breeze and the leaves rustled at the heel of her tall brown boots as she entered the coffee shop. She found a corner table by the fireplace and sat down. She was calmed by the crackling of the embers as she waited. She felt beautiful sitting against the rustic brick wall. Her brunette hair shinned against the mocha cashmere sweater that she had paired with an ivory scarf that draped her neck. Her makeup was perfect, her eyes shimmered in anticipation. She didn’t want to appear eager so she casually read a few pages of her book – “Sophie’s Heart”.

He would be there soon she thought. They agreed to meet at 8:00 pm.

With the more time that passed she began to wonder if he was coming. She decided to go ahead and order a coffee to help occupy her thoughts. As she sipped on her Caramel Macchiatto and pretended to still be interested in her book she twirled her necklace in unconscious anxiousness.

An hour later she was still sitting alone.

She began to look around the room realizing that she had been stood up. As she contemplated leaving she was drawn to the song that was playing in the background – “Dance With Me”. She listened to every word as she scanned the room. She saw relationships of all kinds, new ones to those who appeared to have been together forever. She took it all in and wondered why she was sitting alone. In an instant all the confidence she had entering the coffee shop became insecurities as she walked back under the same lights. She no longer felt like twirling in the moonlight but instead crying into her pillow. She questioned everything about herself. She wondered if maybe she would have worn something different or if her hair was a different color would she have sat alone. Her mind filled with negativity and regret. What was she missing she wondered as she went back to her apartment. She checked her machine to see if there was a call but her voicemail was empty. She went to bed with so many unanswered questions.

The next day she carried this with her. She lacked confidence in her daily routine. Everything that could happen she felt did. The negativity built a small layer one at a time until she felt overwhelmed with the things she perceived as wrong in her life. She went home every night feeling more alone than ever. The clothes she used to find joy in were now merely coverings that she had to wear. She stopped reading and enjoying music. She was literally crushed by the weight of not being loved by one she did not even know. She blamed herself instead of realizing he was the reason she sat alone, HIM and HIM alone. It was easier to nit pick at herself than blame someone she couldn’t confront.

I’m not the girl in the coffee shop but I am much like her in many ways.

I am learning as I try to cope with loss that I have had this same approach for many years. I have built layers of things that I suppress. Everything negative that I have not made peace with holds a small corner of my heart. It is always there and arises each time I try to tuck the next bad thing away. It’s like the closets and garages in our homes…we throw things in there that don’t have a place or things that go unfinished that we meant to fix. The living spaces are nice and organized but when you open those doors you will find all the things that have been disregarded. You don’t remember they are there until you have to go looking for something you know you once had.

When I pushed the pain of my Mom’s passing down as far as I could I was surprised to find that it could not be suppressed – there were too many things already in its way. Instead the opposite happened. I pushed the pain so far that it forced all the other layers to surface. I found myself crying one night over a billion different things. I was so overwhelmed with all the negativity in my life that I could not begin to get a grasp on my current grief.

We have to acknowledge pain, we have to accept failure and most importantly we have to open the doors to the things we have closed. We have to free ourselves from our own burdens. We have to take control of all the corners of our lives. We have to search our souls and see what is inside and we have to face it. We have to call on God and ask HIM to take the things we have disregarded but merely shut the door on instead of giving to HIM.

I have often found myself not crying or screaming as I wanted because I felt guilty for my pain when I know others have suffered greater losses. I would whisper my grief for I didn’t want anyone to think I questioned God. I am learning that my pain is worth acknowledging and that God is ok if I approach him with my questions. I am learning that when I do HE provides me peace in the answers.

I pray that none of us will be like the girl in the coffee shop. I pray that we will find our worth in our Lord and Savior and that we will call on HIM before we bury the burdens into our soul. I pray that we will open every door, drawer and garage to our lives and allow HIM to remove each layer one at a time. With the layers of quilt, fear, failure, and grief acknowledged there will be room for love, hope and strength. We will be able to have a complete understanding of our experiences and therefore be able to help others in their trials.

Allow God into the corners of your life today.

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Bypassing the pain…

Fear is nothing more than an obstacle that stands in the way of progress. In overcoming our fears, we can move forward, stronger and wiser within ourselves.

-Unknown
The moment I cried out to you!

The road held our destination but what we didn’t know was the journey that it would take to get us there. We had driven for hours yet we were still a few away. As we attempted to keep each other awake we talked about our classes, laughed about our mishaps and listened to our favorite CD’s.

Day turned to dusk and her brother had fallen asleep in the back seat. She was driving and I was reasoning how the days had come for me to be out on my own for Spring Break. I contemplated the interim stage of life that I was in. A life where I still consulted my parents, whom were hesitant about the trip, but one that I made the final decision on each endeavor. It was a new world I was embarking on. I enjoyed being independent but still respected my upbringing. We were young and we had very little responsibilities other than school and the occasional job to get us by. Adventure and the rest of our lives were the only thing we had to ruminate. We each had dreams and a specific idea on how those would manifest in time. We held the key to all things achievable but first Colorado was in our sights.

The highway took a slight curve and the CD that was once playing ejected from the slot. We had not even realized the music had stopped. As it slid out it startled us. She reached to get it and accidentally hit the steering wheel. The car veered off the road at a speed of 70 mph. The front tires hit a ditch at a just an angle that caused the vehicle to flip. The next moments were ephemeral but felt as if it would be a perpetual accident. The fleeting seconds awakened my every fear and consumed my expectations of the life to follow. I cried out to you – you were the one I reached for as I tried to grasp anything substantial. The tires were no longer on the ground, my feet dangled next to my head and the wind blew through the shattered windows. Selfishly my only thought was of myself. My heart was pounding with fear of how this crash would leave my body in this world. I cried louder inside than ever before “Lord, don’t let me feel the pain that this worldly body has the capability of feeling. Lord, take me home if it is time!” Abruptly the car stopped rolling. I was upright again yet frozen in time. I hesitated to move in apprehension. I wondered if I would actually be able to do so at all. Once I regained my bearings I looked around, unbuckled and went to her side of the car. She was laying against the window and the door was jammed. I could see her trembling. She uttered that she was cold. I went to the trunk and found her brother outside walking in circles trying to calculate what had happened while he was asleep. I popped open the trunk and dug through the suitcases to find enough to keep her warm. We were in the middle of a field, a distance from the highway and there were no lights to guide our steps. As I tried to care for her and keep her talking I was scared if anyone would find us. After several minutes had passed I heard sirens. God used our headlights meandering in the highway to alert someone that was going the opposite direction. They knew something was wrong and called 911. The EMT’s found their way to us. They removed her door and warned her not to move on her own. They pulled her out, braced her neck and carried her on a gurney back to the pavement where the ambulance sat. We were all transported to the nearest hospital about 30 minutes away. We were checked and released hours later with minor injuries. We spent the rest of the night in the hospital waiting room as her parents made the trip to pick us up.

I called my parents and tears flowed. I have never been so thankful for answered payers or to hear my dads voice on the other end of the phone.

We later went back to the salvage yard to pick up our belongings. It was not until then that we all realized just what a miracle it was that we walked away from the car that night. That vision will never leave my mind. I knew I bypassed pain…

Decades later I find myself in a much different stage of life. I am a wife and mother of two teens with responsibilities a plenty. For over a year I helped care for my mother that was bed ridden with Pulmonary Fibrosis and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was there as the disease took over every fiber of her life. It consumed everything but her thoughts until the very end. I watched her suffer more each day. I was there when she spoke her last words and I was present when she took her last breath. I saw her pain but I did not see mine coming. Unlike the car accident I was unaware of what faced me. I did not cry out in prevention of the pain to come. The moment she left me a pain filled my soul that I have never experienced before. The pain of losing her hurt more than the shards of glass in our skin or the bruised bones we endured that night in the field.

It came subtly though. When I thought I was dealing with death it appeared greater than my own image in a mirror. Pain came in fear. It overtook my every thought and controlled every decision I made. I tried to bypass the pain by succumbing to the fear. FEAR RULED MY LIFE. I held my kids tight, too tight and it wasn’t until one day my daughter spoke and said “You can’t hold us forever – you have to let go.”

In that moment I recalled calling out to you the night of the wreck. I remembered asking you to not let me feel the pain this body was capable of. I remember leaving it up to you how I walked away but today I failed in that. I took control Lord. I tried to bypass the pain in my own way of coping. I realized in her words she was right. I did not control the outcome and I could not keep them safe. I could merely call upon you to relieve my pain, to conquer my fear and to protect my family. I knew reality, I knew loss was possible but I needed reminded that you would grant me peace if I petitioned for it.

I know you are the ONLY way I will ever bypass this pain that holds my heart captive.

Lord – take my fear and replace it with you! Remind me daily that it is far greater to have you in control of my life than myself. Draw me close to you and teach me repeatedly that peace is achievable through you.

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Was There Magic in Midnight?

Accept the past without regrets. Handle your present with confidence and your future without fear.

Unknown

2019! You came in so silently. In just one second you left 2018 behind….done and forgotten many would proclaim. People all over the world celebrated the marking of a new start and felt empowered for what you will bring. They audibly spoke resolutions and many let go of regrets from the past. The clock struck midnight and the ball dropped. Old and young alike rang you in as toast were given and lovers kissed.

Was there magic in midnight though that I missed? I welcome you all the same but I don’t know that I toast your name. When the second hand touched 12 the world around me went unchanged. The things that I lost in 2018 I can not reclaim. My car in the drive did not metamorphosize into a Cadillac, believe me I checked. My bank account did not increase, my health issues remain and my mom is still gone. 2019 please forgive me but in your date alone I do not trust. It’s not you that will see me through the changes that need to take place. It’s not your fresh stamp on how I date my papers that will bring me peace. Do you ever wonder why such a celebration is given in your honor? Even more why people days later don’t recall what they toasted at all? A resolution is only worth as much as the resolutioner’s promise to them-self.

I will remember 2018 for all the hardship that it had to bring but I will also recall some of the most loving moments of all. Do you know the power behind the words “I love you” coming from one that has chosen them as their last? Do you know what it is like to be able to chase the fear of your mother when she tells you she is scared as she struggles to catch her breath? Do you know how reassuring it is to have them calm you when they have peace of meeting their Heavenly Father? 2019 you can not give me those moments. You can however give me 365 days to share her story and remember every single moment of love she gave me since birth.

I need you to know that I have set a few goals but not because of you but because it is time and God is working on my heart. I need you to know that when I fail its not over because I am not bound by your time. It is every second of every day that HE gives me a renewed sense of HOPE. It will be through 2019 and into 2020 that I can say I have much more to celebrate than the coming of your arrival yesterday. I have a much bigger arrival awaiting me. The arrival of my Heavenly Father that will reunite me with my mom one day. Whether it comes in a year or a decade from now my resolution is to live for HIM until that encounter. I will praise HIM for the things I have left on this earth until I have nothing left at all and then I will still praise HIM.

2019 meet my family and know that I am prepared to fill the days you offer me with love for them! That is my resolution…..AGAPE love as my mom would say.

2019 – The magic in midnight was starting another year with them.

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The moment you left me.

Night had fallen on a warm spring day. My body was tired from hours of work but my mind resonated with thoughts of our first encounter to come. I laid my head on the pillow and drifted off to dreams of days that you would be here with me. I dreamt of what hue your eyes were and if your hair would be straight or curly. I fantasized about taking you to the park and hugs and kisses until you fell asleep. I envisioned you being like your dad and filling the house with laughter and smiles. In my arms soon you would be. I was content with the thought of you and all the days to come. I was truly happy that God had chosen me to be your mom. I never thought when I closed my eyes that night that the dream had potential to end.

I was awakened early in the morning to the worst pain I had ever known. I gathered my thoughts and laid still for a moment praying they would go from whence they came. The pain was consistent and not fading. I woke your dad and told him I thought something was wrong….without hesitation he took me to the Hospital.

Within a matter of minutes we were seen. They had me put on a gown so they could perform an ultrasound and check your heart beat. I remember laying there shaking as they placed the goop on my belly. I watched the monitor intently to see if I could detect the tiny flickering we once saw before. It took a bit and I shook more as the minutes passed but finally the nurse looked at us and said she found it. The heartbeat was faint so they were still concerned. She said that they were going to release me for the night but that they made an appointment for me to see the doctor in the morning. She went to get our discharge papers and told me that I could get dressed. I sat up, wiped off all the goop and slowly moved to the edge of the table where your dad helped me down. I remember the white tiled floor so cold beneath my feet. I was trembling as your dad handed me my overalls. I bent over to pull them on and stood to pull them up and when I did I felt one last sharp pain and noticed I was standing in a pool of blood. The floor that was once cold was now warm on my feet. I trembled and started to fall to my knees. Your dad sat me down and went for the nurse. She came running. Without many words at all from anyone they admitted me for the night.

In my room they came to talk to me. They told me that my body had rejected the pregnancy and that I would have a D&C in a few hours. I had to stay until that procedure was done. I laid there waiting and wondering if this was real or not. The words “rejected pregnancy” haunted me. I wanted this more than anything I have every known so how was it possible that I rejected it. I felt as if it were my fault, the moment you left me I was broken inside. I was not ready to say goodbye.

Saying Goodbye
      The time had come for your decision in regards to the future to be honored.  You told us that you wanted to be placed on Hospice. None of us were ready to face the word or hear you say that the disease had gotten that bad. We knew by every hour we were with you that your days were growing shorter. We saw the struggle with every new symptom. The challenge of going to the hospital with every infection got to be too much. We knew but we struggled to face it all.  A few days later we granted your wish.  We took you home and knew that from that day on we needed to cherish every moment.  Only time would tell how much longer we had. You fought for another year and achieved goals you set for yourself.  You attended your parent's 70th Anniversary, your Dad's 90th Birthday and your 50th Wedding Anniversary.  Each day we prayed for another until we truly knew it was time. You were fading fast and we were caring for you around the clock. We watched you have good days where you would sew pillows and make conversation with those that came in to days where you could barely sit up in bed. The disease was in its final stages and they told us what to expect but I could not have been less prepared for the days to come.  You spoke to us on Wednesday and on Thursday it was as if you slipped into a coma.  You were unresponsive.  The nurse came to help on Friday.   She was changing your clothes on and as she rolled you toward me I saw you let go. Your face was hollow and discolored.  There was no life in your eyes. Your breathing was staggered and your stomach gurgled as the organs shut down. We watched you all night.  We laid beside you and held your hand.  We sang hymns and we told you we were all there and that we would be fine if it was time for you to go. We prayed God would remove your pain and heal your body. Soon after those prayers we heard you gasp for your last breath and then there was silence that filled the room.  With an unexplained peace on your face you left us. The moment you left me I was broken inside. I was not ready to say Goodbye.

Momma, I have had two loses in my life that impacted me much the same and I struggle to know how to grieve. When I lost you all the feelings I have buried deep inside for 18 years over my baby in heaven surfaced. When you meet your grandchild for the first time will you run to them and hug them for me. My baby, who’s gender is as much a mystery to me as their name, is there waiting to know the one their brother and sister call Grandma. We miss you here on earth but find great joy in knowing that you are roaming the streets of gold with our first child.

Momma, tell my child of me and their family but most importantly tell them we can’t wait to sit beside you both as we praise our Lord for an Eternity.