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Permission to Grieve…

Psalm 61: 1-2

Hear my cry, O God; attend unto my prayer.
From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed: lead me to the rock that is higher than I.

My dad asked me if I would attend Grief Share with him, it started tonight. Today marked the 9th month anniversary of my mom’s passing. It is surreal. There are days when I can’t even fathom the reality of it. Even more days when I chose not to. My mother suffered for a decade with Pulmonary Fibrosis and Rheumatoid Arthritis. Each time we thought her fight was over she proved us and the doctors wrong, 6 years turned into 8, then 9 and 10. We were given more years than expected but over those years we mourned a little each time the disease took over another aspect of her life. We accepted the existence of the disease and what it meant for her physically but even with all that it took from her she never allowed her heart to be changed. She could not go shopping with us or out to eat at a new restaurant but she could hold our hand and tell us that we were loved until her last breath AND she did. I sat by mom mom’s bed over the last year and I told her the things I wanted her to hear. I verbally said goodbye and told her I would be ok. I told her, as we all did, that we would take care of our dad. I was preparing for the inevitable. I knew that it would happen even though my heart was in disbelief when the time came. I heard her draw her last breath, I saw them take her body from the room and I stood in the living room watching out the front window as they drove away. I physically saw her leave that house BUT in my mind she has still been there.

My son cried with overwhelming tears one night weeks after the funeral. As I embraced him he apologized for crying. I held him out from me and looked at his tear stained face and told him there was no reason to be sorry. I told him that it was a blessing that he was crying so intensely because those tears stood for the love that he knew. I explained what an honor it was to be loved so much by someone that you mourn so deeply.

I told my son that but I never wept. I shed a few tears when they took her from the house for I knew I would never be hugged by her again or hear her call my name when she thought I was being too loud. I would never hear her say I love you again….in that moment I shed a few tears.

Time was passing and my emotions remained the same. If I thought deep enough about the moment standing in the living room I could be brought to tears. So I didn’t. I didn’t want to feel that pain, the pain that I knew would hurt so bad if I let it in. I suppressed the pain. Instead of putting myself in the living room I stopped my thoughts short of the vision of her resting in her bed. I put her in the place I had seen her for the last year of her life. I would only go to that room in my mind, I would only let myself see her for what was, not what it is.

My grandpa, my mom’s dad, was diagnosed with Stage 3 lung/liver cancer just a couple weeks ago. When I heard the news I had no where to go…that is when it hit me and the damage I have been doing to myself. She was not in the corner of her bedroom, she was not a minute away, she was not going to be able to console me with this news. I broke. I was back in the living room again watching her be taken away for the last time. I didn’t try to stop it … I couldn’t if I tried. This was reality and GRIEF was a part of it whether I acknowledged it or not.

Permission to grieve was granted…Matthew 5:4 -Blessed are those that mourn, for they shall be comforted. If we don’t mourn than how shall we find comfort. If we don’t cry out to our Heavenly Father in brokenness than how can HE make us whole. HE designed me perfectly and with that design HE created tears, He created a heart to feel and HE created the ability to ask for strength in my weakness. HE created me to come to HIM!

Lord, help me in my loss, guide me with my questions, take away my anger and heal my broken heart. I will shed tears for her and more for grandpa but Lord use me as an example to others – let them see my vulnerability as a strength and most importantly let them see you through me.

Posted on by jenniescreativecorner

Over Coffee…

The lights danced in the cool breeze…

The lights danced outside in the cool breeze and the leaves rustled at the heel of her tall brown boots as she entered the coffee shop. She found a corner table by the fireplace and sat down. She was calmed by the crackling of the embers as she waited. She felt beautiful sitting against the rustic brick wall. Her brunette hair shinned against the mocha cashmere sweater that she had paired with an ivory scarf that draped her neck. Her makeup was perfect, her eyes shimmered in anticipation. She didn’t want to appear eager so she casually read a few pages of her book – “Sophie’s Heart”.

He would be there soon she thought. They agreed to meet at 8:00 pm.

With the more time that passed she began to wonder if he was coming. She decided to go ahead and order a coffee to help occupy her thoughts. As she sipped on her Caramel Macchiatto and pretended to still be interested in her book she twirled her necklace in unconscious anxiousness.

An hour later she was still sitting alone.

She began to look around the room realizing that she had been stood up. As she contemplated leaving she was drawn to the song that was playing in the background – “Dance With Me”. She listened to every word as she scanned the room. She saw relationships of all kinds, new ones to those who appeared to have been together forever. She took it all in and wondered why she was sitting alone. In an instant all the confidence she had entering the coffee shop became insecurities as she walked back under the same lights. She no longer felt like twirling in the moonlight but instead crying into her pillow. She questioned everything about herself. She wondered if maybe she would have worn something different or if her hair was a different color would she have sat alone. Her mind filled with negativity and regret. What was she missing she wondered as she went back to her apartment. She checked her machine to see if there was a call but her voicemail was empty. She went to bed with so many unanswered questions.

The next day she carried this with her. She lacked confidence in her daily routine. Everything that could happen she felt did. The negativity built a small layer one at a time until she felt overwhelmed with the things she perceived as wrong in her life. She went home every night feeling more alone than ever. The clothes she used to find joy in were now merely coverings that she had to wear. She stopped reading and enjoying music. She was literally crushed by the weight of not being loved by one she did not even know. She blamed herself instead of realizing he was the reason she sat alone, HIM and HIM alone. It was easier to nit pick at herself than blame someone she couldn’t confront.

I’m not the girl in the coffee shop but I am much like her in many ways.

I am learning as I try to cope with loss that I have had this same approach for many years. I have built layers of things that I suppress. Everything negative that I have not made peace with holds a small corner of my heart. It is always there and arises each time I try to tuck the next bad thing away. It’s like the closets and garages in our homes…we throw things in there that don’t have a place or things that go unfinished that we meant to fix. The living spaces are nice and organized but when you open those doors you will find all the things that have been disregarded. You don’t remember they are there until you have to go looking for something you know you once had.

When I pushed the pain of my Mom’s passing down as far as I could I was surprised to find that it could not be suppressed – there were too many things already in its way. Instead the opposite happened. I pushed the pain so far that it forced all the other layers to surface. I found myself crying one night over a billion different things. I was so overwhelmed with all the negativity in my life that I could not begin to get a grasp on my current grief.

We have to acknowledge pain, we have to accept failure and most importantly we have to open the doors to the things we have closed. We have to free ourselves from our own burdens. We have to take control of all the corners of our lives. We have to search our souls and see what is inside and we have to face it. We have to call on God and ask HIM to take the things we have disregarded but merely shut the door on instead of giving to HIM.

I have often found myself not crying or screaming as I wanted because I felt guilty for my pain when I know others have suffered greater losses. I would whisper my grief for I didn’t want anyone to think I questioned God. I am learning that my pain is worth acknowledging and that God is ok if I approach him with my questions. I am learning that when I do HE provides me peace in the answers.

I pray that none of us will be like the girl in the coffee shop. I pray that we will find our worth in our Lord and Savior and that we will call on HIM before we bury the burdens into our soul. I pray that we will open every door, drawer and garage to our lives and allow HIM to remove each layer one at a time. With the layers of quilt, fear, failure, and grief acknowledged there will be room for love, hope and strength. We will be able to have a complete understanding of our experiences and therefore be able to help others in their trials.

Allow God into the corners of your life today.