Posted on by jenniescreativecorner

Over Coffee…

The lights danced in the cool breeze…

The lights danced outside in the cool breeze and the leaves rustled at the heel of her tall brown boots as she entered the coffee shop. She found a corner table by the fireplace and sat down. She was calmed by the crackling of the embers as she waited. She felt beautiful sitting against the rustic brick wall. Her brunette hair shinned against the mocha cashmere sweater that she had paired with an ivory scarf that draped her neck. Her makeup was perfect, her eyes shimmered in anticipation. She didn’t want to appear eager so she casually read a few pages of her book – “Sophie’s Heart”.

He would be there soon she thought. They agreed to meet at 8:00 pm.

With the more time that passed she began to wonder if he was coming. She decided to go ahead and order a coffee to help occupy her thoughts. As she sipped on her Caramel Macchiatto and pretended to still be interested in her book she twirled her necklace in unconscious anxiousness.

An hour later she was still sitting alone.

She began to look around the room realizing that she had been stood up. As she contemplated leaving she was drawn to the song that was playing in the background – “Dance With Me”. She listened to every word as she scanned the room. She saw relationships of all kinds, new ones to those who appeared to have been together forever. She took it all in and wondered why she was sitting alone. In an instant all the confidence she had entering the coffee shop became insecurities as she walked back under the same lights. She no longer felt like twirling in the moonlight but instead crying into her pillow. She questioned everything about herself. She wondered if maybe she would have worn something different or if her hair was a different color would she have sat alone. Her mind filled with negativity and regret. What was she missing she wondered as she went back to her apartment. She checked her machine to see if there was a call but her voicemail was empty. She went to bed with so many unanswered questions.

The next day she carried this with her. She lacked confidence in her daily routine. Everything that could happen she felt did. The negativity built a small layer one at a time until she felt overwhelmed with the things she perceived as wrong in her life. She went home every night feeling more alone than ever. The clothes she used to find joy in were now merely coverings that she had to wear. She stopped reading and enjoying music. She was literally crushed by the weight of not being loved by one she did not even know. She blamed herself instead of realizing he was the reason she sat alone, HIM and HIM alone. It was easier to nit pick at herself than blame someone she couldn’t confront.

I’m not the girl in the coffee shop but I am much like her in many ways.

I am learning as I try to cope with loss that I have had this same approach for many years. I have built layers of things that I suppress. Everything negative that I have not made peace with holds a small corner of my heart. It is always there and arises each time I try to tuck the next bad thing away. It’s like the closets and garages in our homes…we throw things in there that don’t have a place or things that go unfinished that we meant to fix. The living spaces are nice and organized but when you open those doors you will find all the things that have been disregarded. You don’t remember they are there until you have to go looking for something you know you once had.

When I pushed the pain of my Mom’s passing down as far as I could I was surprised to find that it could not be suppressed – there were too many things already in its way. Instead the opposite happened. I pushed the pain so far that it forced all the other layers to surface. I found myself crying one night over a billion different things. I was so overwhelmed with all the negativity in my life that I could not begin to get a grasp on my current grief.

We have to acknowledge pain, we have to accept failure and most importantly we have to open the doors to the things we have closed. We have to free ourselves from our own burdens. We have to take control of all the corners of our lives. We have to search our souls and see what is inside and we have to face it. We have to call on God and ask HIM to take the things we have disregarded but merely shut the door on instead of giving to HIM.

I have often found myself not crying or screaming as I wanted because I felt guilty for my pain when I know others have suffered greater losses. I would whisper my grief for I didn’t want anyone to think I questioned God. I am learning that my pain is worth acknowledging and that God is ok if I approach him with my questions. I am learning that when I do HE provides me peace in the answers.

I pray that none of us will be like the girl in the coffee shop. I pray that we will find our worth in our Lord and Savior and that we will call on HIM before we bury the burdens into our soul. I pray that we will open every door, drawer and garage to our lives and allow HIM to remove each layer one at a time. With the layers of quilt, fear, failure, and grief acknowledged there will be room for love, hope and strength. We will be able to have a complete understanding of our experiences and therefore be able to help others in their trials.

Allow God into the corners of your life today.

Posted on by jenniescreativecorner

All in His Plan..

Fulfilling a Master Plan

I was going through some old papers and came across this letter I wrote for my grandparents 60th Wedding Anniversary. The picture featured is from their 70th Wedding Anniversary and they are still loving each other day in and day out. So thankful for them!!

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Today we take a moment to recall one of the most memorable days in two peoples lives. May 1, 1947 would mark the first day in this couples journey together. A journey that they have taken faithfully as one for 60 years. We honor their commitment to each other, we celebrate their love and we stand amazed at their quest to fulfill God’s Greater Plan. In that minute when they said I do they had no idea that God already had a Master Plan for their lives. Young and full of love for each other they said for better or for worse. Today we know they meant for better. Several years into their young family they committed to a life of service and surrendered to the Lord. Never faltering they have given their lives completely. They have set a standard for five generations to follow. Now as I look at my two young children I know they have helped prepare me for the journey ahead.

Lloyd and Velma Stearns you have been called; parents, grandparents, great grandparents and loving friends. You have taught many people how to love, how to trust and simply how to be there when needed. Today we give back to you. We say thank you for giving us an example to follow. Thank you for being steady even when the journey wasn’t easy. Thank you for completing HIS Plan!

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As time passes these words still hold true. I can not begin to express the love I have for these two and what an example they have been for my life. I never count short the love I have been accustomed to and realize it all began with these two!

Grandma and Grandpa thank you for loving my Mom the way you did and for raising her in the love and admiration of the Lord! Oh what a different life I could have lived if it weren’t for your decision that day the preacher knocked on your door. Thank you for opening your heart that day.

Posted on by jenniescreativecorner

Bypassing the pain…

Fear is nothing more than an obstacle that stands in the way of progress. In overcoming our fears, we can move forward, stronger and wiser within ourselves.

-Unknown
The moment I cried out to you!

The road held our destination but what we didn’t know was the journey that it would take to get us there. We had driven for hours yet we were still a few away. As we attempted to keep each other awake we talked about our classes, laughed about our mishaps and listened to our favorite CD’s.

Day turned to dusk and her brother had fallen asleep in the back seat. She was driving and I was reasoning how the days had come for me to be out on my own for Spring Break. I contemplated the interim stage of life that I was in. A life where I still consulted my parents, whom were hesitant about the trip, but one that I made the final decision on each endeavor. It was a new world I was embarking on. I enjoyed being independent but still respected my upbringing. We were young and we had very little responsibilities other than school and the occasional job to get us by. Adventure and the rest of our lives were the only thing we had to ruminate. We each had dreams and a specific idea on how those would manifest in time. We held the key to all things achievable but first Colorado was in our sights.

The highway took a slight curve and the CD that was once playing ejected from the slot. We had not even realized the music had stopped. As it slid out it startled us. She reached to get it and accidentally hit the steering wheel. The car veered off the road at a speed of 70 mph. The front tires hit a ditch at a just an angle that caused the vehicle to flip. The next moments were ephemeral but felt as if it would be a perpetual accident. The fleeting seconds awakened my every fear and consumed my expectations of the life to follow. I cried out to you – you were the one I reached for as I tried to grasp anything substantial. The tires were no longer on the ground, my feet dangled next to my head and the wind blew through the shattered windows. Selfishly my only thought was of myself. My heart was pounding with fear of how this crash would leave my body in this world. I cried louder inside than ever before “Lord, don’t let me feel the pain that this worldly body has the capability of feeling. Lord, take me home if it is time!” Abruptly the car stopped rolling. I was upright again yet frozen in time. I hesitated to move in apprehension. I wondered if I would actually be able to do so at all. Once I regained my bearings I looked around, unbuckled and went to her side of the car. She was laying against the window and the door was jammed. I could see her trembling. She uttered that she was cold. I went to the trunk and found her brother outside walking in circles trying to calculate what had happened while he was asleep. I popped open the trunk and dug through the suitcases to find enough to keep her warm. We were in the middle of a field, a distance from the highway and there were no lights to guide our steps. As I tried to care for her and keep her talking I was scared if anyone would find us. After several minutes had passed I heard sirens. God used our headlights meandering in the highway to alert someone that was going the opposite direction. They knew something was wrong and called 911. The EMT’s found their way to us. They removed her door and warned her not to move on her own. They pulled her out, braced her neck and carried her on a gurney back to the pavement where the ambulance sat. We were all transported to the nearest hospital about 30 minutes away. We were checked and released hours later with minor injuries. We spent the rest of the night in the hospital waiting room as her parents made the trip to pick us up.

I called my parents and tears flowed. I have never been so thankful for answered payers or to hear my dads voice on the other end of the phone.

We later went back to the salvage yard to pick up our belongings. It was not until then that we all realized just what a miracle it was that we walked away from the car that night. That vision will never leave my mind. I knew I bypassed pain…

Decades later I find myself in a much different stage of life. I am a wife and mother of two teens with responsibilities a plenty. For over a year I helped care for my mother that was bed ridden with Pulmonary Fibrosis and Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was there as the disease took over every fiber of her life. It consumed everything but her thoughts until the very end. I watched her suffer more each day. I was there when she spoke her last words and I was present when she took her last breath. I saw her pain but I did not see mine coming. Unlike the car accident I was unaware of what faced me. I did not cry out in prevention of the pain to come. The moment she left me a pain filled my soul that I have never experienced before. The pain of losing her hurt more than the shards of glass in our skin or the bruised bones we endured that night in the field.

It came subtly though. When I thought I was dealing with death it appeared greater than my own image in a mirror. Pain came in fear. It overtook my every thought and controlled every decision I made. I tried to bypass the pain by succumbing to the fear. FEAR RULED MY LIFE. I held my kids tight, too tight and it wasn’t until one day my daughter spoke and said “You can’t hold us forever – you have to let go.”

In that moment I recalled calling out to you the night of the wreck. I remembered asking you to not let me feel the pain this body was capable of. I remember leaving it up to you how I walked away but today I failed in that. I took control Lord. I tried to bypass the pain in my own way of coping. I realized in her words she was right. I did not control the outcome and I could not keep them safe. I could merely call upon you to relieve my pain, to conquer my fear and to protect my family. I knew reality, I knew loss was possible but I needed reminded that you would grant me peace if I petitioned for it.

I know you are the ONLY way I will ever bypass this pain that holds my heart captive.

Lord – take my fear and replace it with you! Remind me daily that it is far greater to have you in control of my life than myself. Draw me close to you and teach me repeatedly that peace is achievable through you.