Night had fallen on a warm spring day. My body was tired from hours of work but my mind resonated with thoughts of our first encounter to come. I laid my head on the pillow and drifted off to dreams of days that you would be here with me. I dreamt of what hue your eyes were and if your hair would be straight or curly. I fantasized about taking you to the park and hugs and kisses until you fell asleep. I envisioned you being like your dad and filling the house with laughter and smiles. In my arms soon you would be. I was content with the thought of you and all the days to come. I was truly happy that God had chosen me to be your mom. I never thought when I closed my eyes that night that the dream had potential to end.

I was awakened early in the morning to the worst pain I had ever known. I gathered my thoughts and laid still for a moment praying they would go from whence they came. The pain was consistent and not fading. I woke your dad and told him I thought something was wrong….without hesitation he took me to the Hospital.

Within a matter of minutes we were seen. They had me put on a gown so they could perform an ultrasound and check your heart beat. I remember laying there shaking as they placed the goop on my belly. I watched the monitor intently to see if I could detect the tiny flickering we once saw before. It took a bit and I shook more as the minutes passed but finally the nurse looked at us and said she found it. The heartbeat was faint so they were still concerned. She said that they were going to release me for the night but that they made an appointment for me to see the doctor in the morning. She went to get our discharge papers and told me that I could get dressed. I sat up, wiped off all the goop and slowly moved to the edge of the table where your dad helped me down. I remember the white tiled floor so cold beneath my feet. I was trembling as your dad handed me my overalls. I bent over to pull them on and stood to pull them up and when I did I felt one last sharp pain and noticed I was standing in a pool of blood. The floor that was once cold was now warm on my feet. I trembled and started to fall to my knees. Your dad sat me down and went for the nurse. She came running. Without many words at all from anyone they admitted me for the night.

In my room they came to talk to me. They told me that my body had rejected the pregnancy and that I would have a D&C in a few hours. I had to stay until that procedure was done. I laid there waiting and wondering if this was real or not. The words “rejected pregnancy” haunted me. I wanted this more than anything I have every known so how was it possible that I rejected it. I felt as if it were my fault, the moment you left me I was broken inside. I was not ready to say goodbye.

      The time had come for your decision in regards to the future to be honored.  You told us that you wanted to be placed on Hospice. None of us were ready to face the word or hear you say that the disease had gotten that bad. We knew by every hour we were with you that your days were growing shorter. We saw the struggle with every new symptom. The challenge of going to the hospital with every infection got to be too much. We knew but we struggled to face it all.  A few days later we granted your wish.  We took you home and knew that from that day on we needed to cherish every moment.  Only time would tell how much longer we had. You fought for another year and achieved goals you set for yourself.  You attended your parent's 70th Anniversary, your Dad's 90th Birthday and your 50th Wedding Anniversary.  Each day we prayed for another until we truly knew it was time. You were fading fast and we were caring for you around the clock. We watched you have good days where you would sew pillows and make conversation with those that came in to days where you could barely sit up in bed. The disease was in its final stages and they told us what to expect but I could not have been less prepared for the days to come.  You spoke to us on Wednesday and on Thursday it was as if you slipped into a coma.  You were unresponsive.  The nurse came to help on Friday.   She was changing your clothes on and as she rolled you toward me I saw you let go. Your face was hollow and discolored.  There was no life in your eyes. Your breathing was staggered and your stomach gurgled as the organs shut down. We watched you all night.  We laid beside you and held your hand.  We sang hymns and we told you we were all there and that we would be fine if it was time for you to go. We prayed God would remove your pain and heal your body. Soon after those prayers we heard you gasp for your last breath and then there was silence that filled the room.  With an unexplained peace on your face you left us. The moment you left me I was broken inside. I was not ready to say Goodbye.

Momma, I have had two loses in my life that impacted me much the same and I struggle to know how to grieve. When I lost you all the feelings I have buried deep inside for 18 years over my baby in heaven surfaced. When you meet your grandchild for the first time will you run to them and hug them for me. My baby, who’s gender is as much a mystery to me as their name, is there waiting to know the one their brother and sister call Grandma. We miss you here on earth but find great joy in knowing that you are roaming the streets of gold with our first child.

Momma, tell my child of me and their family but most importantly tell them we can’t wait to sit beside you both as we praise our Lord for an Eternity.